Vinnie, my health is bad. Very bad. Just kidding. Very bad. >> No, I’m a bad drink. Bad drinker, Johnny. I mean, when I drink, I don’t know what I’m doing. >> The next day, I end up I usually wake up in some strange place with a kid with an accent playing with my feet. >> Famous for keeping an iron grip on his stage.
Yet whenever Rodney opened his mouth, the king of television Johnny Carson became completely helpless left, clutching his head and laughing uncontrollably. >> But spark plugs are very You got It’s hard to get good spark plugs today. Oh, it’s hard. Really? >> Well, you know what they say about spark plugs. You turn them upside down, they all look >> like sure they >> Oh, I go out with a girl, I just whisper gently in her ear, “I got a gun.
” >> That That wins them over, does it? >> Oh, yeah. Now, I tell you what, girls, I’m never lucky, Johnny. Never. You know that. Cuz I went out and bought an inflatable girl. I got her pregnant. A >> family misery was always a gold mine for Rodney to exploit where he transformed himself into the most pitiful and spineless husband in America.
>> And smoking, that’s another one. Try to stop smoking. That’s a beauty, huh? Well, with cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal, my wife and I. We only smoke after sex. I got the same pack now since 1975. >> Well, last week she cracked up the car. She went into a tree. She said it wasn’t her fault she blew the horn.
Well, what a driver she is. Over the dashboard there’s a pair of shoes hanging. They belong to the last guy she hit. You kidding? Oh, one night she went out some guy stole a car. I said to her to see what he looked like. She told me she got the license plate number. >> While other couples searched for romance, Rodney turned his marital bedroom arrangements into a series of absurd predicaments that left Johnny Carson holding his head and laughing in disbelief.
But I’ll tell you what, my wife does have sex. She screams, “Oh, especially when I walk in on her.” Now, you can I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home, the parrot says, “Quick, out the window.” You know? >> Yeah. Girls always get me a hard time. Never got lucky with girls. In fact, just last night, a hooker made me say, “Please.
” Instead of hiding the fact that his wife was unfaithful, Rodney casually talked about strange men showing up in his house as though it were an obvious and bitterly familiar part of everyday life. >> Now, one night she used me to time an egg. And I’ll tell you something else, too. I don’t like the nickname she gave me either. Microwave.
When she throws away money, it’s ridiculous. I mean, who tips at a toll booth? My wife, I go for a fortune. Every night I eat out. She can’t cook. She’s the worst cook in the world. I tell you, my house after dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them. You guys are all right. You know, his wife’s harshness did not stop at her cold attitude.
It also showed through her terrifying cooking, which left Rodney counting his teeth after every meal just to make sure they were all still there. >> My wife, are you kidding? She had a mirror put in over our bed. Yeah, she told me she likes to watch herself laugh. Well, last night she told me she wants to have sex in the backseat of the car and she wants me to drive.
And my wife, she don’t go for me either. Every time I want sex, she leaves the room to give me privacy. Now, I tell you, I tell you, my wife always gave me trouble. Why? My bachelor party, she was in the movie. He >> never hesitated to admit that he was a helpless father and an unwanted child from the very moment he entered the world.
>> Very close. I never got love when I was a kid either. >> My brother got the love. No, because he was much neater than I was. My room was messed up. I didn’t care. My brother’s room was in order. His towels lined up neatly, combs, brushes, hair lotions, all in the right place. So, what did it mean? What does he today? He’s an attendant in a men’s room.
It didn’t mean that. I tell you, since I’m a kid, women always gave me a hard time. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. My old man, he didn’t help either. The time I was kidnapped, they sent back a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof. Well, once on my birthday, he gave me a dart board with automatic return.
>> Instead of receiving respect from his children, Rodney was constantly outsmarted by their clever yet deviously sharp comebacks whenever he tried to show them affection. >> Wait, nothing comes easy. Well, the other night I went to kiss my daughter good night. She told me she had a headache.
My house, my wife, my kids, nothing. Like the last time I took my boy to Coney Island, I want to show him a good time, you know. I said, “Mom, kid, it’s here’s $10. It’s your day. Do whatever you want.” The kid took a cab home. >> And my kid, that’s another one. He’s full of smart answers. Well, the other day I told him about the birds and the bees.
He told me about my wife and a butcher. >> Whenever describing dates who were less than conventionally attractive, Rodney would unleash razor sharp comparisons that had Johnny Carson laughing so hard he nearly fell out of his kid. >> Fat, big girl. >> I met her at the Macy’s parade. She was wearing ropes. I mean, fat. I mean, she was on a Richard Simmons show jumping up and down. My TV fell off the stand.
>> How ugly? >> She was so ugly. When she goes to the bank, they turn off the cameras. I mean, this girl was an ugly girl. The concept of a twobagger or the fact that his family photo album only kept the negatives proved that Rodney could turn ugliness into a master class. >> I’ll tell you something.
Yeah, I’ll tell you something. No, she was fat, too. She was fat. >> She was so fat she got in a scale. A card came out, said one at a time. She was fat, too. >> Now, I’ll tell you, this girl was old, fat, and ugly. >> Yeah. Ugly, too. >> How ugly? I’ll tell you. She was so She was known as a two beggar. That’s a girl who’s so ugly.
You go out with her, you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. A niece, an ugly girl, she got married, she’s happy. She met an ugly guy. >> Right. >> And today, they got two very ugly kids. I mean, I got a niece, an ugly girl. She got married. She’s happy. She met an ugly guy and today they got two very ugly kids.
In fact, they’re all so ugly in a family album, they only keep the negatives. >> His obsession with appearance followed him all the way to the psychiatrist’s office where he received a diagnosis that could not have been more brutal. He was both crazy and >> I’ll tell you, last week was a rough week for me.
I broke up my psychiatrist, too. He told me I’m going crazy. I said to him, if you don’t mind, like a second opinion. He said, “All right, YOU’RE UGLY, TOO. MY DOG. WELL, LAST night four times he went in the paper. Three times I was reading it. Now >> I tell you, last week was a rough week for me. Last week I broke up my psychiatrist, too.
Last week, for the first time, I told him I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on, I have to pay advance. >> As he entered his later years, Rodney continued bringing the Tonight Show hilariously miserable stories about the run-down neighborhood he lived in and his endless drinking binges. Well, yesterday for two hours a guy followed me with a pooper scooper.
I don’t get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison. A girl asked me, “Should I wrap it up? You’re going to eat it here?” I tell you, I don’t get a break with nothing. I can’t take it no more. What do you say we bust up this joint? Huh? My neighborhood’s getting worse. I told you before, I live in a tough neighborhood.
You know, just last week, a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn’t a real professional job. There was butter on it. I don’t know. I tell you, I know I’m ugly. Now, while the guy was mugging me, he took off his mask and made me wear it. Now, I tell you, things happened to me you wouldn’t believe. Like, the other night, I found a guy’s wallet.
Inside was a picture of my two kids. Rodney’s excessive drinking habits were summed up by a disastrous morning after routine. first searching for his car, then having to return it to its actual owner. >> And I don’t want to drink cuz I’m a bad drinker. I’ll tell you that, Johnny. When I drink the next day, I got to do two things.
To try and locate my car, and I got to bring back the car I took. I mean, remember that one? Yeah, sure. Of course I do. >> Of course you do. Let me move a lot of my bed. I don’t know. Bring on the next guy. I don’t know WHAT me comes easy. My wife, she don’t help either. You know, every time I take a few drinks, she hides the bottle.
Oh, I admit I’m a bad drinker. I’m not nasty or nothing, but I’ll tell you, when I drink the next day, I got to do two things. I got to try and locate my car, and I got to bring back the car I took. I’m not by turning his own misfortunes into laughter for everyone else, Rodney Dangerfield proved a remarkable paradox.
Sometimes the man who claims to get no respect is the very one who earns the most love. If you enjoyed these priceless and wonderfully outrageous moments from a true comedy legend, be sure to subscribe to the channel and leave a comment below. Which Rodney moment made you laugh the hardest?
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